Pain
I don’t think that many things sting as much as the discovery of missed opportunity. To live a life you hate, but must accept, and then later discover that your acceptance was needless, hurts like nothing else.
One thing about me is that my social skills have never been up to the standards of everyone else’s. Somehow, I was born without the knowledge of behaviour that for others is instinctive. For me, socialising is a complicated game of chess, one where the rules fluctuate at irregular intervals without my knowledge. I’ve always, always felt alone, and different, and alien. So lonely and alone. I have trouble making friends because I don’t know how.
In high school I accepted this, because allowing it to get to me wouldn’t do anything. But then - a conversation with Mum revealed that she had talked to the teachers and the stupid fools thought that I didn’t want friends, because I had been offered friendships and hadn’t taken them. But I can’t see when I’m offered friendship, and I can’t respond! If they had told me that I had been offered friendships I would have tried to do something about it! These people knew about my social understanding problems, yet none of them thought to point this out! They knew about my troubles understanding people and behaviour… that I didn’t know how to interact… yet they just assumed that I didn’t want friends.
How many teenage girls do you come across that don’t want friends???
It was their job to help me with things like these. I was so alone, so sad, in so much pain, and I needn’t have been.
Radioactive Jam said,
August 31, 2006 @ 3:14 am
A complicated game with unannounced rule-changes - a fine, insightful description of socializing. In my experience the amount and extent of rule changing falls off and steadily declines after high school (mid to late teen years). Wish I could say the rules will turn fair, but… well. Less unfair, maybe.
As for teachers somehow concluding you didn’t want friends, I’ve never understood how generally well-meaning adults manage to get things so *wrong* with such apparent ease and regularity.
Even after realizing - almost always, too late - that sometimes I am, or have been one of those adults, I still don’t know what goes wrong. Not completely. But I think listening - actively, consciously listening - when someone is talking to me makes a positive difference. If I’m planning *my* next set of lines in a conversation, my attention is divided. Worse, I then have to “interpolate” what the other person said since I missed parts of it.
I suspect you are a much better listener than many of those with whom you interact. But none of this explains the incredibly flawed and hurtful assumptions made by these people. I hope the times ahead bring you unexpected joys and displace some of this pain, as the days unfold for you.
Dorian Gray said,
August 31, 2006 @ 8:20 am
Wheee new person posting - blame Kieran. I do. Even when it’s not his fault.
I’m a little the same, I find it hard to make friends, latch onto those that I do find like glue to the point where it’s impossible for me to meet others elsewhere, and am constantly paranoid about what’s going on in the background (between others, in their heads, etc) and whether I’ll do something bad to blow it all and I’m forced to go through the highly uncomforting process of finding new people. I’ve also had my fair share of issues caused by well-meaning adults and difficulties of socialising.
I’ll be your friend :-). Send me an email, or hunt me down in the Green Room sometime - someone’ll be able to point you to me. Although it’s highly possible (probable?) that if you did we’d sit there uncomfortably waiting for the other person to say something. I’ll try to say something.
anaglyph said,
September 1, 2006 @ 2:00 am
Extrapolate all those things about ‘friends’ into ‘relationships’ and you’ve got a whole new ballgame.
On the whole, maybe best to stick to feiends.
Dorian Gray said,
September 1, 2006 @ 10:26 am
I came, I read email, I spent an hour getting over my lack of self-confidence before going over to chat. Assignments due that evening and other friends distracting prevent a repeat performance. Pretty standard, really. Perhaps next week.
Radioactive Jam » Blog Archive » Weirdly departed freakout said,
September 1, 2006 @ 4:22 pm
[...] Recently I started reading The Purple Dragon Blog. In addition to some fine Fringegirl comics and insightful reflections, I found a marvelously weird meme titled Ten Possible Ways To Die. I liked it so much I tagged myself So without further ado here are my ten weird ways to become “dearly departed.” [...]
Appleman1234 said,
September 3, 2006 @ 9:26 am
I feel your pain. I had a similar situation in high school.
In fact when I got to Uni, I felt so liberated in the people that I met. I had to make an effort of course (I normally didn’t make an effort or got shot down).
However it wasn’t all smooth sailing, whilst I met some nice people like Dorian Gray, Kieran,Cheater (Nick Stallman), Bo, Capo etc. I also scared the socks off most other people with my uniqueness and weirdness.
I have always had more enemies then friends, more people that want to kill me then who would save my life.
You are right it is very painful when people that are supposed to help you, end up doing nothing or hurting you.
Best of luck and BTW I think your blog / fanfics are other creations are wonderful. Look forward to bumping into you in the Green Room by accident sometime.
Don said,
September 5, 2006 @ 1:30 pm
My suggestion? Glad you asked! I suggest you read the first portion of your post; it provides the best answer to your problem.
Change