The Purple Dragon Blog

Yes, more email content. Oh well. It seemed appropriate.

MEMORANDUM THX113879542

To all personnel - The following announcements are in reference to Imperial sponsored social events on board the station,specifically the holiday party held last week.

1. consumption of inebriating beverages and other controlled substances is strictly forbidden at social or work functions. This includes all personnel.

2. It is strictly forbidden to use TIE fighters to tow other objects or personnel. Violators will be subject to revocation of flight priveleges.

3. A maintenance crew is required to remove a large mass of mistletoe from the ceiling above Lord Vader’s rejuvenation chamber. Lord Vader commands that no further personal assaults will be tolerated, even in an affectionate spirit.

4. Lord Vader also commands that his helmet be returned at once.

5. Stormtrooper 12579 has been detained for unauthorized commandeering of the station public address system for the purposes of broadcasting the song “Play that funky music whiteboy” 422 times consecutively. Senior officers would like to remind the staff that this type of offense is punishable by Imperial law.

6. Trooper platoon 117 has been given latrine detail for unauthorized entry to the Death Star bridge and failure to wear pelvic armour plates. Improper attire and indecent exposure are unnacceptable practices, even off duty.

7. There is currently a 500 credit reward being offered for identifying the individual who fired the station’s main cannon repeatedly without authorization, destroying two planets, and sent an anonymous transmission to Grand Moff Tarkin informing him that the individual was quote “Taking over this mother$#%%&@#”.

Senior officers would appreciate everyone’s coop-eration in abiding by the statutes of conduct aboard this station and remind you that all offenses may be dealt with by execution at each commanding officers discretion.

About six hours ago a devoted fan cracked one of the puzzles on JK’s site and discovered the title of the seventh book: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows! My mother instantly decided that it involved Dumbledore remaining after death. (I don’t think she ever quite got over book six.)

What amused me that within hours of the title being released, Borders bookstores set up an online pre-ordering system for it.

You heard it first here, folks. :)

Subject:

The following is a list of metaphors that were found in NSW Year 12 English essays in 2003. Enjoy.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Sex in the City” comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

“Oh, Jason, take me!”; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

When I was still in high school, we had a boys college fairly close to where I lived. This particularly school had a very bad reputation, the student body regarded as being primarily composed of amoral thugs.

When some time ago the infamous ‘Bali Nine’ (a group caught smuggling drugs into Bali) were caught, we found out that two of them were former students of the school. This only cemented the school’s reputation.

Recently Fiji experienced a coup, led by Frank Bainimarama, who -you guessed it - is a former student of this college, although not from the campus I am familiar with.

It just goes to show that when these boys aren’t smuggling drugs, they’re orchestrating military coups.

Yay! Computer!

My parents have banned me from it, you see, so I’ve had to come into the city to go online. :P Ghastly.

Okay, first a neat sound file you should listen to - “The Man Song” is a humorous song that goes for a couple of minutes or so. My sister and I found it very funny.

So how’s life? Not too bad, I suppose. I’m busy getting Christmas presents and trying to find a job. Not much else is going on.