The Purple Dragon Blog

Yes, more email content. Oh well. It seemed appropriate.

MEMORANDUM THX113879542

To all personnel - The following announcements are in reference to Imperial sponsored social events on board the station,specifically the holiday party held last week.

1. consumption of inebriating beverages and other controlled substances is strictly forbidden at social or work functions. This includes all personnel.

2. It is strictly forbidden to use TIE fighters to tow other objects or personnel. Violators will be subject to revocation of flight priveleges.

3. A maintenance crew is required to remove a large mass of mistletoe from the ceiling above Lord Vader’s rejuvenation chamber. Lord Vader commands that no further personal assaults will be tolerated, even in an affectionate spirit.

4. Lord Vader also commands that his helmet be returned at once.

5. Stormtrooper 12579 has been detained for unauthorized commandeering of the station public address system for the purposes of broadcasting the song “Play that funky music whiteboy” 422 times consecutively. Senior officers would like to remind the staff that this type of offense is punishable by Imperial law.

6. Trooper platoon 117 has been given latrine detail for unauthorized entry to the Death Star bridge and failure to wear pelvic armour plates. Improper attire and indecent exposure are unnacceptable practices, even off duty.

7. There is currently a 500 credit reward being offered for identifying the individual who fired the station’s main cannon repeatedly without authorization, destroying two planets, and sent an anonymous transmission to Grand Moff Tarkin informing him that the individual was quote “Taking over this mother$#%%&@#”.

Senior officers would appreciate everyone’s coop-eration in abiding by the statutes of conduct aboard this station and remind you that all offenses may be dealt with by execution at each commanding officers discretion.